Backbiting
is easy to commit. A perfectly acceptable conversation can take a nasty
turn in an instant. You can find yourself backbiting without even
realising how it happened. Someone asked the Prophet (Sallallaahu Alaihi
Wasalaam) about backbiting and he said, “It is to mention about a man
what he does not want to hear.” He said, “Messenger of Allah! Even if it
is true?” The Messenger of Allah (Sallallaahu Alaihi Wasalaam) said,
“If you utter something false, then it is slander.” (Muwatta)
Many
people do not realise how broadly ‘backbiting’ is defined. Backbiting
includes listening as well as making statements. It can be done by
words, a glance, gestures, or writing. That a person might make the same
statement (verbal or otherwise) in the presence of the absent person is
no excuse.
The
gravity of backbiting is reflected in Allah Ta'ala's description of it:
“Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother?” (49:12)
And
the punishment is severe, as described by the Prophet (Sallallaahu
Alaihi Wasalaam), “When I was taken up to heaven I passed by people who
had nails of copper and were scratching their faces and their breasts. I
said: ‘Who are these people, Gabriel?’ He replied: ‘ They are those who
were given to backbiting and who aspersed people’s honour.’” (Dawud)
Fortunately, backbiting can be avoided. Here are 10 tips that should help you curb this nasty habit:
1. Increase your knowledge
Islam
is a religion for thinkers. We are expected to learn our deen and to
research what we do not understand. Allah Ta'ala instructs in the
Qu’ran, “And say: ‘My Lord! Increase me in knowledge.” ( Ta-ha:114)
A
person cannot adequately address backbiting unless she knows the
Islamic rulings that govern it. Each of us has the responsibility to
learn what constitutes as backbiting, when it is permissible to speak
about an absent person and what to do after we backbite.
2. Avoid people who talk about others
Some
people have very little to say if they are not talking about someone
else. I once told someone close to me about the Islamic prohibition
against backbiting and she replied, “Then, we’ll have nothing to talk
about.” The sad thing was she was right. Avoid conversations with those
who will not stop backbiting, even if you lose a friend or two.
3. Avoid places of gossip
The
infamous “water cooler” is well-known as a meeting place for exchanging
office gossip. University cafeterias and other lunchroom settings are
other notorious places for spreading rumours. The internet with its chat
rooms and blogs provides a nearly limitless opportunity to backbite. If
every time you eat at the lunchroom, you become involved in backbiting,
then find another place to eat. If backbiting is prevalent in certain
chat rooms, surf the web for other sites. The point is that you should
not place yourself in a setting where backbiting is the norm, because
you will become involved in it.
4. Don’t ask leading questions
Seemingly
innocuous questions can lead to backbiting: “I haven’t seen so-and-so
for a while. How is she doing?” Instead of getting a simple reply, the
response might be “Did you hear that she … ” Some scholars advise not to
ask about an absent person for fear of backbiting.
5. Stop backbiting the first time it happens
If
you are in a new situation and people around you start backbiting, let
them know immediately that you cannot be involved in such conversations.
Make it clear from the beginning where you stand. If you are in a group
of non-Muslims who likely do not understand the gravity of backbiting,
it presents a great da’wah opportunity. One need not be hostile or
self-righteous. The Prophet (Sallallaahu Alaihi Wasalaam) stated: “Keep
to gentleness and avoid harshness and coarseness. Gentleness is not
found in anything without adorning it, and is not withdrawn from
anything without shaming it.” (Muslim)
6. Let people know you are trying not to backbite
The
more difficult task is to stop backbiting with people whom you have
previously engaged in backbiting. A good way to change the dynamic is to
let them know the next time you talk with them that you are working
hard not to backbite and ask them to help you with it. If backbiting
creeps up in the conversation, gently remind them about what you are
trying to do. Perhaps, your efforts will encourage them to do the same.
If not, refer to Tip #2.
7. Maintain a policy with friends to remind each other not to backbite
Make
a commitment with your friends to help each other not to backbite. If
you discuss it beforehand, your friends should feel comfortable
reminding you if you slip and you should feel comfortable reminding them
if they slip. A simple statement such as “Uh oh, I think we may be
getting close to backbiting,” should be enough to turn the conversation
in the right direction.
8. Play it safe
“He
who keeps silence will be safe.” (Ahmad, Tirmidhi) The safest course to
avoid backbiting is not to talk about people who are not present in the
conversation. If you start with that rule and allow only a few
exceptions, you will drastically limit the opportunities to backbite.
9. Forgive those who backbite about you
We
all make mistakes and Allah Ta'ala knows that we will sin. We are
taught how to repent and how to ask Allah, al-Ghafur, al-Raheem, for
forgiveness. We are also encouraged to forgive others as mentioned in
the Qur’an: “And let not those among you who are blessed with graces and
wealth swear not to give to their kinsmen, Al-Masakin (the needy), and
those who left their homes for Allah’s Cause. Let them pardon and
forgive. Do you not love that Allah should forgive you? And Allah is
Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. (24:22)
Al-Hasan
al-Basri explained that what it means to repel evil with good, “When
they are deprived, they give; and when they are wronged, they forgive.”
In short, if someone backbites you, forgive them – perhaps you will be treated in the same fashion.
10. Remember death often
Since
the time of the Prophet (Sallallaahu Alaihi Wasalaam), Muslims have
been reminded of the brevity of this life and the consequences in the
Hereafter. Some scholars reportedly dug graves in their homes and lay in
them to remind themselves that one day they would be in the grave and
no longer able to repent for their sins. The Prophet (Sallallaahu Alaihi
Wasalaam) sought refuge in Allah Ta'ala from punishment in the grave
and we are encouraged to do so as well. When one realises that death can
occur at any time and that even the next moment is not guaranteed, the
urgency to stop oneself from backbiting becomes very real.
Author : J. Samia Mair